i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
