my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
