I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
