Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
