why didn't you poke me back
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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