Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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