I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I want is dick and wine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
