Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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