Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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