dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
