My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
