I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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