I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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