I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
