i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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