Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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