I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
