Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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