I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
