Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
