if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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