she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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