when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
