after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
