He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
