I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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