Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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