my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
