Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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