I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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