how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
