i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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