The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
