What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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