so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
