I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
