He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
