Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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