i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
