You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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