It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
