she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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