My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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