party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
