Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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