When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
