I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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