I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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