i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
