I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
