just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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