I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
