She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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