Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
